Accepting What You Can’t Control

John Fuller: Welcome to Focus on the Family's Weekend Broadcast. We hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey.
Lysa TerKeurst: Because it's really hard to enjoy your life when you're trying to control everything and everyone in your life. It won't be joyful. It will not be joyful. And so the choice is, it's not that we're going to get it right all the time, but the choice is to get it right right now while there is still time to instead of dreading your life, start enjoying your life and start surrendering to God that which is outside of your control.
John Fuller: Well, that's Lysa TerKeurst and she joins us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: Most of us probably wouldn't describe ourselves as controlling. So often controlling people don't know they're controlling. In so many different environments when we talk about controlling, there's work. When you're in this position I'm responsible to the donors and the board, there's a certain amount of control I need to exert to make sure the ministry's moving in the right place and not feel bad about that. This is a direction or a change of course that we need to make, so let's make it, and people will say, "That's very controlling." But you need that. There are healthy examples of control. Then we get into marriage and again, that can be unhealthy if one of the spouses is overly controlling out of fear perhaps. The good news is we're going to talk about this topic today with our guest in such a powerful and positive way for us to recognize those temptations for control, what drives it, the fear in us and other things, and then what do we do to move to a more biblical, godly perspective.
John Fuller: Because so much of life can't be controlled, right? Lysa TerKeurst is always popular when we have her here in the studio and you're about to hear why. As the president and Chief Visionary Officer of Proverbs 31 Ministries, she's encouraged literally millions of women to strengthen their faith and their relationship. She's written a number of books and one that we're talking about today is called *Making Peace with What I Can't Control: Find Relief from the Exhaustion of Overthinking, Trying to Fix Others and Wanting to Figure It All Out*. You can learn more about Lysa and this book at our website.
Jim Daly: That's so good. What a great title. Lysa, welcome in.
Lysa TerKeurst: Thank you so much. I'm so honored once again to be with you guys.
Jim Daly: At Proverbs 31 Ministries, you're talking to so many women. What in this category of control are you hearing from them where they're struggling?
Lysa TerKeurst: I think first of all, there's a big section of people that wouldn't necessarily, like you said before Jim, say, "I'm a control freak" or "I have control issues." And yet they're walking around so exhausted from trying to manage everything that they're responsible to manage, but then also stepping over that line, managing other people, situations that they feel they want a certain outcome. All of it's very understandable. I would say for the vast majority of people, the root of their control is not power, it's fear. When we start to really peel back the layers, we have to understand and take a look at there is a paper-thin line between being a responsible person, which is really good, to being a controlling person. We have to examine where is that line and how can we address the fear that often drives these controlling tendencies that whether we know it or not, must be dealt with.
Jim Daly: And we are going to get into that, thankfully, because I think you're right over ground zero when you talk about fear manifesting itself in control, because we want to control the environment we're in. But before we get there, this idea of control can be masked as something good. You know that you care about others, you want to help them get to a better place, and those are all noble things to be about.
Lysa TerKeurst: Exactly. I saw it in myself, I still see it in myself. When I went through in my first marriage just complete betrayal and devastation, I didn't realize that I was working overtime to try to manage another person. I truly felt like I was trying to save my marriage, I was trying to save my family, I was trying to save this man that I had been with so long. I didn't understand, I just didn't have the language or the context that what I was actually doing was hindering him from hitting rock bottom and realizing that he had a savior but it wasn't me. Sometimes in a desperate attempt to save another person, what we don't realize is we're actually stepping in front of the very consequences that could actually help them. It's understandable that we do everything that we can to try to talk them into making different choices, to try to prevent certain outcomes. It's very understandable. If you're in that place, before we even start talking about what needs to be done, I just want to say I get it. Here's another big category: parents of adult children.
Jim Daly: Teens too.
Lysa TerKeurst: Teens too. We see things so clearly because for me I'm bringing 57-year-old wisdom into a scenario where there's 20 and 30-year-olds making decisions. My kids are great kids. But also there are certain things that I'm like, "Oh no, no, don't do that, don't do this." It's not because I want to control them, it's because I want to help them. Help taken too far can really get us in trouble.
Jim Daly: I think the challenge is knowing where that line is, like you said. It's so hard to give advice. I'm thinking of the scripture where the Lord, they're out on the sea and the storm is going and He's sleeping. The disciples are like, "Man, come on, this is dangerous, this is life-threatening" and then He calms the storm, but it's mentioned in scripture that they kind of woke Him up. It's that kind of thing. Some people, let's say spouses, may look at that and say, "You're disconnected from reality, man. You should be controlling in this situation," like the Lord should have known to wake up and calm the storm in that setting. But with a teen child who's having struggles or an adult child, there's a certain amount of wisdom and control you want to apply but in the end you've got to let them be the Lord's, right? That sounds hard and callous.
Lysa TerKeurst: It is very, very challenging. But here's that paper-thin line between responsibility and being controlling. When I am being responsible, I manage all that is within my ability to manage, to control. But regarding other people, I don't step over that line and also try to manage them. Being responsible is, I am going to manage what is within my ability to manage, but regarding the outcome, I must trust God. I've made peace with the fact that ultimately I have to trust God. Controlling is I'm going to manage everything that is within my ability to manage and I'm also going to manage everything that is really outside of my ability to manage because regarding the outcome, I'm only willing to accept the outcome that I think is best.
Jim Daly: There's so many behaviors that the Lord warns us about, fear being one of them—fear not, don't live in that state of fear. One of the things for unhealthy control, in my opinion, as I've observed it, is when it starts from fear rather than from a healthy place. Fear almost when it rises, the only tool in a mom's tool chest, a dad's tool chest, a husband, a wife, whatever the application, is you reach for control to increase control to lower your fear. And it doesn't really help.
Lysa TerKeurst: Exactly. The tricky thing about it is sometimes it does, in a temporary sense. Sometimes our controlling efforts really do start to steer things in a direction that we want them to go. But it's all temporary because ultimately we cannot control how another person thinks, the narrative that another person believes or what a person does or what they even say. Even if it seems like it works for a little bit, our controlling efforts, it will eventually fall apart and leave us more anxious than we were before. Control is really fear disguised as a strength. Think about that for a second. Control is really fear described as a strength. Sometimes we think there's nothing we can do about fear. It just hits us. We know the verses, the go-to verse, of course, God did not give us a spirit of fear. It's important that we understand fear can actually be broken into four distinct components that will give us a little bit more understanding of what we can do practically speaking about fear. The first component of fear you can't do anything about. That's the alert or the alarm. That's when you become aware of something and you become alert or alarmed—this is something that's stirring up fear inside of me. That's going to hit you and you really cannot control that at all. Then the second two components of fear, that's where we can do some work. One of them is memory. Instantaneously when we feel that alert or alarm, our brain is going to go back very quickly—it happens just like that—go back to another time, a memory that we felt this same feeling and then it's going to interpret what we are experiencing based on the memories that we have. The next component is perception. Based on what's happened before—and certainly if we've had previous trauma—trauma is not just what happens to us, it's the story we tell ourselves because of what happened. That's perception. Memory and perception, that's where work can happen. That's where we can really make progress with our fear. And the fourth component is either our reaction or our response. We want to get to response, not always just feeling paralyzed because we feel a fear and then we react. In the moment that I feel this feeling of fear, I'm not going to go, "Okay, let me break it down now. What's a previous memory? What's perception?" That's not the time to do it. The time to do it is when we don't feel threatened and we can really examine. This situation is constantly stirring up this fear inside of me, so now let me go back: where do I have other memories where maybe a worst-case scenario did happen? And what is the story, the perception, that I'm telling myself because of what happened? We can do work there in a time where we're not threatened. If we do some work, then our chances increase to have a better response on the end. In that moment, we more quickly tell ourselves a better story about what reality is. When you've been through worst-case scenario after worst-case scenario, you start convincing yourself and in that moment of fear saying, "Oh, this is absolutely going to be worst-case scenario," when in reality it probably won't be. It won't be best, it won't be worst, it'll hit somewhere in the middle. That perception work, the story that we've been telling ourselves, is really important.
Jim Daly: It's so critical because that controlling attitude, especially in parenting, can really bring damage to the relationship.
Lysa TerKeurst: That's right. We talked a little bit about the role that fear is playing in all of this and the two components, memory and perception. This is where we can really take a step back. I encourage people to get a journal and start writing healthier perceptions in our journal. When I feel this, it's not always this. Put in some Bible verses. Nehemiah says, take counsel with yourself and then certainly bring it all to the Lord in prayer. Bring in scriptures too. All of that can help us in a moment where we're preparing in times of strength for times of struggle.
John Fuller: I so appreciate that perspective. Our guest today is Lysa TerKeurst on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and what a terrific book she's written called *Making Peace with What I Can't Control: Find Relief from the Exhaustion of Overthinking, Trying to Fix Others and Wanting to Figure It All Out*. Get a copy of the book from us here at the ministry. It's focusonthefamily.com/weekend. This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment.
Jim Daly: John, can you believe it? Focus on the Family will celebrate 50 years of ministry next year.
John Fuller: That's really amazing, Jim. We know that behind those 50 years, there are countless real-life stories from listeners. Stories about marriages strengthened, babies saved, and even people coming to Christ. Looking back, it's amazing what God has done. We want you to give us a call and record your story. Details and the link are at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Voiceover (Female): No matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Focus on the Family is here with you every step of the way. Our caring Christian counselors will listen, share biblical advice, connect you with resources and pray with you. You can start your path toward healing today by requesting your free confidential consult. Call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY or visit us at focusonthefamily.com/gethelp.
John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family's Weekend Broadcast. We'll take a quick break and then return with the second half of this program for your family. Stay tuned.
Voiceover (Male): Is your marriage struggling? Communication breaking down? Trust fading? Conflict that never seems to resolve? There's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives by Focus on the Family help couples step away from daily life and focus fully on rebuilding their relationship. And right now, through the Marriage Investment Initiative, Hope Restored is investing $1,000 toward marriage intensives. Visit hoperestored.com/invest.
John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming. Lysa, this is something generally in the culture that we're seeing anyway. Bubble-wrapped kids, wearing bike helmets because they might fall from their bike. I fell from my bike, I survived. There is something in the Christian community where we think Jesus is the answer for this. You have a story of Judas in the scripture that really highlights the difference between saying "I want Jesus to take care of this" and then "I really want Jesus to take care of this."
Lysa TerKeurst: The story of Judas, we have certain perceptions of Judas where he was the one that betrayed Jesus, sold Him out for money, and then of course we know what played out after that. Oftentimes I would see the story of Judas and think, "Oh yeah, I know that." I didn't ever dig deep or do any personal reflection of what part of Judas's mistake do I see my own self making? How can I learn something more specific from him? When you boil it all down to it, take away the greed—that may have been a large part of it—but what I really want to focus on is Judas saw an outcome that he was very determined. Judas wanted Jesus to rise up and become an earthly king to overthrow the Romans and make the Roman oppression go away. That is good. That's not a bad desire. Oftentimes the outcomes that we want, they're good, they're not bad desires. The problem is that Judas decided to do it his way and he was only willing to accept an outcome that he thought was best and he didn't pause and think that God could be doing something different and better. Different doesn't always mean bad, different just means different. Jesus's plan was, He was going to rise up, He was going to become a king, but He wasn't just after saving the people of the day, He was after eternal salvation. God's plan was so much bigger than what Judas could even fathom. The most tragic part of Judas's story is in the end he tried to undo what he did. He took the money back and said, "Take the money back." He realized he couldn't undo what he did. And then of course it wound up taking him right to his death.
Jim Daly: There is such a big application for us there in terms of God's plans for our lives, for those around us, our kids, etc. It's hard to say, "Lord, I truly give this all over to You," which was Judas's mistake. You're absolutely right. We do that in so many different ways that we are saying, "I love You, I don't trust You, Lord." That's what we're really saying. God has to say, "Okay, child, just give me some time, you'll see why my plans are better and bigger." So many testimonies of alcoholics, addictions of all kinds, that end up in a godly place where the person is saved—not everybody has that experience—but you sit there and go, "The valleys that I had to go through, I'm so grateful for because that's what ultimately brought me to the Lord." But that is hard. It's hard for a parent to say, "Okay, Lord, have Your way with my child because I'm going to trust that You're going to bring him to You."
Lysa TerKeurst: Absolutely. But in the end, we have to remember when we release a loved one, when we release a child into trusting the Lord—we're releasing them to the Lord—we're not releasing them to a cliff to fall over. We need to mentally have this picture: we are releasing them into the arms of God and that's the safest place for any person to be. Now, will we always get the outcome that we want? Absolutely not. But regardless, we can't control the outcome anyways. So why not take that step and release them into the arms of the Lord and let the Lord carry what was never yours to carry?
Jim Daly: And also in that respect, it's not saying don't be engaged. Sometimes as Christians we live on these switches, "Lord, he's all yours and I'm not going to talk to him again."
Lysa TerKeurst: We don't want to live in extremes like that. We want to be responsible. For example, like the riding the bike thing: it is responsible to tell our kids to put their helmet on. It is responsible to give them a safe path to bike. It is responsible to let our kids get outside and have some fresh air and all of that. But can we ultimately control that no accident will ever happen? No, we can't. We can do all that we are responsible to do and then once we've done that, we have to rest and trust in the Lord. That doesn't mean disengage; stay engaged, just don't be controlling.
Jim Daly: This idea of helper and fixer: I think Jean and I represent this. She is a helper, I'm a fixer, and we can get into trouble with that. You have a similar story that we helped a friend with a car loan and it didn't go well. But what was your story, your experience with that?
Lysa TerKeurst: I'm a very tender-hearted person and compassion taken too far, I've learned in therapy, is codependency. I need you to be okay so I can feel okay. How can I make you okay because I want to feel okay? I think I followed that. Sometimes my compassion will run ahead and if I have something—if I have the money to go help another person, I sometimes feel compelled to do it. I know this about myself, so I have to watch it because what can often happen is if we try to step in and rescue that person. If I want to give them money as a gift and it's not irresponsible for me to do that, then give it as a gift. But I would really caution you about giving money to someone who has already proven themselves irresponsible with money. When you do that, what's going to eventually happen if you expect them to pay you back, it's going to go bad really quick. If they've already proven themselves not responsible with money, it's not going to suddenly make them responsible with money. That's the trap I got in. The situation started off—it felt so good in the moment, co-sign this loan, it's going to be great. I felt like a hero. But then when it came time to expecting them to be responsible again when they'd already proven over and over to not be responsible, my expectations for them to suddenly manage this well, of course, they weren't met. I became part of their problem, that I was always chasing them down for money, which really was not the case.
Jim Daly: Now again, am I saying never loan money to people? That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying don't enable somebody who's already proven that they're going to be irresponsible. Don't go into it thinking you're going to be the savior. They have a savior, but it's not you.
Lysa TerKeurst: It is so hard to pull back for their best interest because you want to feel good about yourself, right? The thing is, here's what I encourage people: okay, you want to help and you want to take the risk? Totally your choice. The control police, they're not going to come swarming in on you and give you a big hand-slap. But do you have to take it to an extreme of solving the big problem? Or could you come in and solve part of the problem out of your compassion, out of your love for them? Do you have to give them all the money or could you come in and offer them a gift of relief that's a temporary solution? Not to the big problem, but to something more immediate today. I'm not saying draw hard lines here. I'm not saying to suddenly be anti-people. I'm saying be wise about what it is really costing you. Be aware. That emotional wear and tear.
Jim Daly: You talk about flipping the script and I think this might be—in day one here we're going to come back next time if you're willing.
Lysa TerKeurst: Absolutely.
Jim Daly: And talk more about this topic. But you talk about flipping the script, replacing thoughts like "I can't believe this"—like "I can't believe that couple would not manage this auto loan the way they need to," right? You can generate a lot of emotion about what they're not doing to perform to your expectation, which is a form of control. Talk about flipping the script. Give us some of those examples of what we're saying in our head that tends to float in the control person's mind.
Lysa TerKeurst: Often what I would say is, "I can't believe they're doing this." And that shocks my system, almost sending me into fight-flight-freeze mode. Or I'll go, "I would never do this to someone." Again, shocking my system, putting me in this place of extreme anxiety and almost disbelief that this is happening. Instead I've learned to go, "Okay, this is very consistent with other behaviors that they've demonstrated before. I really shouldn't be surprised." Or "This is hard, I can acknowledge that it's hard, but I don't have to let this derail me and my emotions the rest of the day. I can accept this because, you know what, again, very consistent with the behaviors they've been demonstrating for a long time." It's not that that second script fixes the problem, but what it really does is help me stay in touch with reality. This person has demonstrated this behavior before, they're continuing to demonstrate it. Remember, mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs. We want to stay in reality so that we can really deal with the issue.
Jim Daly: Lysa, this has been incredible. We're just scratching the surface. I want to come back next time and continue the discussion if you're willing. We all face circumstances we can't control and then what do we do with that? Especially when it involves the people we love and care about the most. Typically we tend to control those people the most, not the friend or the stranger at a distance. Focus on the Family is here with great input from wonderful guests like Lysa and all the content from her and other people. Just think of us as your resource center in that regard. We will help you with that and hopefully give you biblical wisdom, practical guidance and hope in Christ fundamentally. If you're struggling and need some guidance, get a hold of us. We have caring Christian counselors. They'll call you back and spend time with you. We have a referral network if you need more time with a counselor; we'll find somebody in your area that you can go and talk with. We also have those trusted resources—articles, programs, videos, counseling support and much, much more. Don't create an excuse that you can't find help. Help is here for you, just call us. If you can make a monthly pledge of any amount, we'll send you Lysa's book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping other people. We had one woman who wrote in, Connie. She said, "10 years ago I learned I was carrying a stillborn child. I turned to Focus on the Family and you helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. Now, a friend I'll be mentoring was diagnosed with cancer. I knew exactly where to turn for resources and support. God has used this ministry in my life again and again and I'm so grateful you've always been there when I needed you." There's the evidence. That's such a powerful story. Get in touch with us. Help us to help others like Connie to find their source in Christ. If you can't make a monthly pledge, we'll send you a copy of Lysa's book for a one-time gift as well. I just hope you'll do it today.
John Fuller: Your generosity really makes a difference in the lives of people like Connie. Donate today as you can or call to set up that initial consultation with one of our counselors. Certainly call to get a copy of the book *Making Peace with What I Can't Control* by Lysa TerKeurst. Our number is 1-800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/weekend. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.
John Fuller: You're listening to Focus on the Family's Weekend Broadcast. We'll take a quick break and then return with the second half of this program for your family. Stay tuned.
Voiceover (Male): Is your marriage struggling? Communication breaking down? Trust fading? Conflict that never seems to resolve? There's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives by Focus on the Family help couples step away from daily life and focus fully on rebuilding their relationship. And right now, through the Marriage Investment Initiative, Hope Restored is investing $1,000 toward marriage intensives. Visit hoperestored.com/invest.
John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming. Lysa, this is something generally in the culture that we're seeing anyway. Bubble-wrapped kids, wearing bike helmets because they might fall from their bike. I fell from my bike, I survived. There is something in the Christian community where we think Jesus is the answer for this. You have a story of Judas in the scripture that really highlights the difference between saying "I want Jesus to take care of this" and then "I really want Jesus to take care of this."
Lysa TerKeurst: When we release a loved one, when we release a child into trusting the Lord—we're releasing them to the Lord—we're not releasing them to a cliff to fall over. We need to mentally have this picture: we are releasing them into the arms of God and that's the safest place for any person to be. Now, will we always get the outcome that we want? Absolutely not. But regardless, we can't control the outcome anyways. So why not take that step and release them into the arms of the Lord and let the Lord carry what was never yours to carry?
John Fuller: That's insight from Lysa TerKeurst, who's our guest today again on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and we're glad you've joined us. I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: It's great to have Lysa back. Every time it's just wisdom, wisdom, wisdom. She's lived a life of observation. Last time we talked about fear and control and we're going to continue that discussion today. It was so good and has application for each and every person because in this life, in our sinful nature, fear—which the Lord does not want us to live in—leads to unhealthy control issues. Many of the marital problems that we see here at Focus on the Family, that we help at Hope Restored, our marriage intensive, much of it is rooted in this area of fear and control. I'm so grateful she's written the book that we can talk about today and I just want to get on with it.
John Fuller: That book is called *Making Peace with What I Can't Control: Find Relief from the Exhaustion of Overthinking, Trying to Fix Others and Wanting to Figure It All Out*. Hang on, John, the phone's ringing off the hook. Everybody needs this. Contact us today if you want to get a copy of the book. By the way, download the broadcast app that we have so you don't have any fear about missing out on what Lysa shared last time.
Jim Daly: We covered a lot of material last time, but we're going to roll into continuing to get to this issue of fear and control. Let's go back and talk about the common fears that often lead to control, because we didn't get to that list: fear of rejection, abandonment or not being loved. These are the things a lot of times in our childhood that we experience that set up our attitudes and our emotional response.
Lysa TerKeurst: And even our perceptions of present-day things we're going to face. We will pull from these previous feelings and they may go all the way back to unhealed things in our childhood or even experiences that we had throughout our adulthood. Rejection's a big one.
Jim Daly: And abandonment. In a marriage that can be the other spouse is working late and you catastrophize that into "What are they doing? They're not wanting to spend time with me." And they're actually working on a project that the boss said, "Could you get this done by the time you leave tonight?" Because of those wounds as a child, you're making it into something it's not.
Lysa TerKeurst: One of the greatest fears that we have as humans is emotional suffering. The fear of loss ties right into that as well. I tell a story in the book about one of my dearest friends, her name is Leah. She has worked side-by-side with me on every book project that I've done for it seems like eons, truly. Because we're so close and we're working together all the time, we process a lot of life. I tell a story about Leah losing her father to brain cancer. He went from being this vibrant, healthy, strong man to finding out he had a brain tumor and then the decline and deterioration—it was shocking, it definitely impacted her and the grief was enormous. Leah had one son by the time her father passed and then she since had another daughter. She came to me and she said, "I think there's this area of controlling that has been really troublesome to my marriage. And that is that I always want to make every choice for my kids to make sure that they're healthy and I watched my father deteriorate and I don't want that in my children." It's caused some tension between her and her husband. We were processing this. I asked her a very important question. I said, "Leah, are you trying to keep your kids healthy or are you trying to prevent cancer?" Trying to keep your kids healthy, that is a responsible thing to do. Trying to prevent cancer is impossible. You can do all that you can do to set your children's health up for success, but ultimately you cannot control whether or not they ever get a diagnosis of cancer. I think that helped open her brain to that fine line between being responsible—feed your kids healthy food, do what you need to do to keep them healthy—but not be so controlling where you take it into overdrive trying to prevent cancer because at the end of the day, that's not going to be possible.
Jim Daly: That's a good example of how to deal in a healthy way with something that could be unhealthy. What was her first response, if you can recall? Was she defensive or...
Lysa TerKeurst: No, she wasn't because I asked her a very important question at first: "Are you open to a thought?" Anytime we're going to share something that could step on somebody's toes, you just ask, "Are you open to a thought?" She said, "Yes, I am." I asked her that profound question: "Are you trying to keep your kids healthy or are you trying to prevent cancer?" And it really impacted on a very practical level the way that she's now interacting with her family. It was life-changing to her. It's not a perfect science; does she sometimes still step into trying to prevent cancer? Of course she does. But because she's aware of it, it has drastically improved the environment of her home. That's the secret. It's not to do this right all the time, but it's to get it right while there is still time to provide a healthier environment for us and our loved ones.
Jim Daly: In that regard, you were up in the Alpine, I think one of those Alpine slide rides. We have plenty of them here in Colorado, actually, come visit them. It's what they do in the summertime and you get into this metal car and you ride down the ski slopes at a fast pace. You learned something in that, that little lesson of how to surrender.
Lysa TerKeurst: It was a painful lesson, truly. My friend Joy really wanted to ride the Mountain Coaster. I was very timid. I thought, "I don't want to ride the Mountain Coaster. I've never wanted to ride a Mountain Coaster, I don't have that on my bingo card." I'm looking at the Mountain Coaster and I'm not even sure this thing is 100% safe. I would prefer not; I can find other things to do to have a lot of fun, I don't need that. But she was like, "Come on, you can do it with me, you can do it with me." She finally said, "We'll ride on it together." I said, "Okay." We get up, and you know how you've been in a situation where things are unfolding, but it takes your brain a minute to catch up before all of a sudden you realize it's too late? My brain didn't catch up on time. They strapped Joy in her seat, ushered me to the front of the car. Basically, I am sitting on the front of the car. They put a seatbelt across me and then the thing goes. I realize I'm in a terrible position. I was trying to control and instead now I have put myself in the worst position possible—I am strapped to the front of this. The thing starts going, the operator looks at Joy and says, "Do not hit the brake unless there's an object in front of you." Joy and I are both rule-followers and so she never hit the brake. We went so fast because the weight of two of us on the car made us go even faster. Never hitting the brake, we screamed so loud. We had friends on the other side of the mountain and they could hear us and identify that it was Joy and Lysa screaming. At first I was screaming for my life, "Help me, help me." I was so unwell. But about three-quarters of the way into the ride, I thought, "All that's doing is wearing my voice out. Nobody's coming to save us. Until we get through this, we cannot get off this, we cannot get around this, we cannot get above this, we've got to get through this." I stopped screaming and I just kind of surrendered to the process and we did get through it. One of the most powerful prepositions in all of the Bible, as my friend Dr. Joel Muddamalle says, is the word *through*. We have to sometimes just go through. The children of Israel had to go through the wilderness, Jesus had to go through the cross. Sometimes we are going to be in situations where there is absolutely nothing we can do. We are strapped to the front of a situation that is going to barrel through what it's going to barrel through and we have to get through it. In the process of getting through it, if we white-knuckle it, resist it, scream at the top of our lungs, we can certainly make that the way we get through it. Or we can realize ultimately I don't have control. Ultimately I've got to surrender this and surrender it to the Lord. The roller coaster eventually came to a stop, I unstrapped myself, got off, and I declared I'll never do that again. In the middle of it there was nothing I could do to control. I thought, "This is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to have absolute no control and, guess what, I survived."
Jim Daly: And we pay money to do that. That's crazy. I did pay money, that's a very unfortunate thing. I think Joy actually paid money for it too. You know what's interesting with that? Think of life circumstances, whatever they might be, and the operator whispering that, the Lord whispering to us: "Don't use the brake. Whatever you do, don't use the brake, I've got you." That's a challenge. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Lysa TerKeurst and that's the kind of biblical practical insight you'll get when you get a copy of her book *Making Peace with What I Can't Control: Find Relief from the Exhaustion of Overthinking, Trying to Fix Others and Wanting to Figure It All Out*. Get a copy of the book from us and deploy some of these principles; you will find yourself living a better life. We've got the book here, call 1-800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/weekend. This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment.
Voiceover (Female): Marriage is a journey with lots of ups and downs, so navigate all the twists and turns with Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage, a podcast from Focus on the Family. I'm Erin Smalley and I co-host the podcast with my husband, Dr. Greg Smalley. Each episode will help you tackle problems you may be facing or just help make your relationship even sweeter. Listen to Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage and other podcasts from Focus on the Family at focusonthefamily.com/podcast.
John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.
Jim Daly: Lysa, I'm thinking of a book that Focus published with Dr. Ken Wilgus. The title is hilarious, it's *Feeding the Mouth That Bites You: How to Emancipate Teenagers Into Adulthood* and it kind of fits with this. He explained to me—and I'm going to paraphrase so Ken, if I'm doing this inappropriately let me know—but he said a lot of his therapy time as a counselor is spent helping parents more so understand the moment they're in, because they tend to linger in that control, the healthy control of raising a young child, but they still have those attributes in the teen years. He said that's the biggest mistake a parent is making. You let your later teen decide if they're going to go to church. Really? Ken, are you serious? Because you know the answer is most likely going to be maybe not. But he's saying let them fail at home rather than go off to college or whatever they're going to do and totally get untethered to good habits, good biblical characteristics, etc. You got to be strong enough, courageous enough to let them fail and it's better that they fail in your home. That's kind of the genesis. He said most of the therapy is undoing a parent's thought and helping a child be able to express themselves, which is kind of what you're saying.
Lysa TerKeurst: Let me fully acknowledge that I know how hard this is. It sounds good when we're recording a broadcast. Practical everyday living, sometimes we're going to do this right and sometimes we're going to get it wrong. The secret is to recognize when we've gotten it wrong, when we've stepped over and tried to not only manage ourselves but manage their life as well, is to catch it quickly and acknowledge, "I have stepped over into control mode and I love you, I want the best for you, it's not an excuse but that is the truth. Now I'm ready to say the script to you: okay, your choice. Okay." I think we cross the line again from being responsible to being controlling the minute that I don't stop at just sharing my wisdom, but I expect someone else's choices to line up with my desires. That's it. That's the difference and that's exactly what he's getting at and that's where you end up in trouble. Let's make sure we understand what's mine and what's yours. Whoever that other person is—your spouse, your child, your friend. How do you know what's genuinely yours to own and what is theirs to own? If I can't own it, I can't control it. I tell a story in the book about a loved one that had been struggling with addictions and certainly in the world of addiction control is a really big factor at play. My loved one had been struggling with addictions and I had gotten so in tune with their struggle that one night I woke up at 2:00 in the morning and I sat straight up in bed gasping and I'm like, "They're in trouble, they're doing something they're not supposed to be doing." We didn't live in the same household, but it was someone I cared a lot about. We had Find My on our phone and so I checked their location and sure enough 2:00 AM they're driving around. I thought, "There's no reason to be driving around at 2:00 AM." I literally got in my car—now I want you to hear where I'm crossing the line now—I got in my car and I drove to find them. They went through an all-night drive-thru, I went to that drive-thru, was able to catch up to them, and I pulled my car beside theirs, told them to pull over, they refused. I parked my car, I went and I put my body, I stood my body in front of their vehicle and said, "You cannot drive until you pull over and take a breathalyzer test." It had become such an overwhelming situation that I carried a breathalyzer test in my glove compartment. I eventually got them to pull over. Eventually they took the breathalyzer test. Eventually I talked them into letting me drive them home. I will tell you, after I dropped them off, I drove home, I walked up my sidewalk at 3:00 AM and I thought, "What am I doing? This is not sustainable. This is not sustainable. And in the end, this isn't helping." Is that an extremely painful realization? Yes. What I was doing was I was not only doing my part, I was doing their part. I felt like it was my duty to prevent bad things from happening and so I became a rescuer to the nth degree.
Jim Daly: In the end, did all of my rescuing efforts ever cause them to turn around? No. I rescued and rescued and rescued and rescued, but it's kind of like pulling a loved one off a train track. If they're continuing to crawl back up on that train track and the train is barreling closer and closer and closer, every single time when you climb back on the train track and you pull them off, eventually you're going to crawl back up on the train track chasing them once again and the train's going to run over you both. I know a story where someone did engage their adult child, young adult, 20-something, and they did that exact thing and the outcome was a more positive outcome that that was an action that arrested the child's behavior and they got help and they got clean. You never know, but just like you're looking at those things, but you've got to know your motivation and only you can know your motivation, like how far can I do this? How long can I do this? That is such a personal thing. The warning is what we're wanting parents to hear or friends to hear.
Lysa TerKeurst: Absolutely. You can be a support, you can be the parent, you can be their greatest prayer warrior, you can put resources in front of them so that they can try to get the help they need. But at the end of the day, they have to make that choice. That is so true, especially for addictions. Lysa, let me ask you, you have a great story about giving a very precious treasure to a stranger on an airplane, somebody named Ron. Describe what happened and then what happened over the years.
Lysa TerKeurst: I got on an airplane one day and this was 25 years ago and I was very tired so I prayed a selfish prayer, "Lord, let me be the only one on my row because I'm so tired, I've been speaking at a retreat all weekend and I was all talked out." Right before the plane doors closed, they let one last person on the airplane. It was a man named Ron. I came to know his name because he came to sit right beside me. And he wanted to talk. I decided I'm going to pull out my Bible. Either that will make him not talk to me or if we do talk, I'm going to steer the conversation to something that I want to talk about and that's the Lord. He sat down and at first he didn't say anything and then he leaned over as we got into the flight, he goes, "So you're just going to sit there and read the Bible?" I looked at him and I said, "Yes, I think the Bible's very interesting. What do you know about the Bible?" He kind of fumbled with his answer a bit, letting me know he knew some facts about God but he didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord. He started asking me questions about the Bible. First they were kind of easy, I was able to answer them. Then I started lifting up emergency prayers to the Lord, "Help me find these answers, Lord." I'm going all over the Bible and reading him different scriptures. In the middle of all of that, the Lord really pressed on my heart, "Lysa, give this man your Bible." While I'm still witnessing to this man, I start having an argument with God. I'm like, "God, this is my Bible Bible. This is my tear-stained, highlighted, written in, my kids have drawn pictures in this. This is my Bible Bible. But that is a good suggestion. I'll go home, I'll buy him a Bible, I'll highlight some verses, package it up, get his address, send it to him. Go God." I continued to talk to Ron. But the Lord was just crystal clear, putting it on my heart, give this man your Bible. Eventually I closed my Bible, I put the Bible on Ron's lap and I said, "I think you're supposed to have my Bible." He looked at me very shocked and he said, "Why would you give what is obviously a treasured possession to a complete stranger? Why would you do that?" I said, "Well, I have to be honest, I don't really want you to have my Bible. But something that I've learned is in the midst of all of eternity, sometimes God pauses in the midst of all of this to touch the heart of one person. Ron, I believe God's paused for you today." He took the Bible. He told me he would read it. Then the plane landed, we exchanged business cards, he took the Bible and got off the plane. I remember thinking, "Lord, can I chase him down to make sure he doesn't throw it away in the nearest airport trash can?" Lord was crystal clear, "No. Anything you release to me will never truly be gone." I remember just feeling that in my heart, hearing it from the Lord. A couple weeks later, I get a call from Ron. I was at my office, he called and he said, "You are never going to believe what's happened to me. I went home and I took a week off from work to read that Bible." I acted like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, that's what we all do." But inside I'm like, "What?" I never heard from Ron again. Fast forward 24 years later. I was on tour in San Antonio, a little city outside of San Antonio. Three women came, found one of my assistants and said, "Is there any way we could meet Lysa because we want to tell her the rest of the story, if she remembers the Bible that she gave away on that plane?" Of course I remembered. We brought them backstage. It was Ron's sister, a good family friend and Ron's daughter. They shared with me the rest of the story, that Ron wound up giving his heart to the Lord. He wound up leading his entire family to Christ. The daughter pulled out the Bible and she'd brought it with her, the Bible that I thought I'd never see again. She pulled it out and she said, "A few years ago, my dad passed away very suddenly and the greatest treasure he left me was your Bible that you'd given him." She opened it up and I could see my handwriting all throughout the Bible. I could see Ron's handwriting from all those years all throughout the Bible. Then when Ron passed away, I could then see his daughter's handwriting all throughout the Bible. That Bible story revisited my life at a time where I was really struggling. God, are You here? God, do You hear my prayers? Are You in control? God didn't have to do that. He didn't have to bring that Bible back 24 years later. Now, of course, I told the daughter she has to keep the Bible. But just the fact that I held it again and I heard the rest of the story—only God could do that. It reminded me so powerfully, God really is in control. God really does care about us. God really is working behind the scenes in ways that we will never ever know all the details of. Most importantly, it truly is a fact that whatever we release into the hands of God is never truly gone. It is safe to surrender that which is outside of our control to the Lord and let the Lord do what only He can do. We need to do our part and then we have to leave the rest to God. We need to stop carrying weight that was never meant for us to carry. Because it's really hard to enjoy your life when you're trying to control everything and everyone in your life. It won't be joyful. It will not be joyful. And so the choice is, it's not that we're going to get it right all the time, but the choice is to get it right right now while there is still time to instead of dreading your life, start enjoying your life and start surrendering to God that which is outside of your control.
Jim Daly: Lysa, so, so good. Thank you for being with us. This was powerful. I hope for the listeners that this is striking a chord for you. If you're living there and you're trying to do the right thing for everybody, it may be time to assess that and look at obedience rather than living in fear and control. Lysa again, thanks for being with us. If that's where you're at, get in touch with us. We have so much help for you here at Focus on the Family. Our team of caring Christian counselors is here to listen, pray with you and help you find a path forward with hope and peace. We have a wealth of trusted resources to come alongside you, offering biblical wisdom and practical help for your marriage, your parenting and whatever challenges your family may be facing. Just reach out to us. One of those great resources is Lysa's terrific book *Making Peace with What I Can't Control: Find Relief from the Exhaustion of Overthinking, Trying to Fix Others and Wanting to Figure It All Out*. That title really sums it up. If fear, worry, overthinking or trying to manage the choices of others has left you exhausted, this resource will help you. It'll help you recognize what's yours to carry and find the courage to release the rest to God. When you make a pledge today, a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of Lysa's book *Making Peace with What I Can't Control* as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping others too.
John Fuller: Donate today, set up a time to talk with one of our counselors and get other help when you call 1-800-A-FAMILY or online you'll find details about how to get in touch and other helpful resources at focusonthefamily.com/weekend. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.